You don't have asthma, your pregnant
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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