Please, let me fuck your mom
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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