Soap is not a condiment
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
