There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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