Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I did not marry a roomba.
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