well he's currently spooning the coffee table
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
