I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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