Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
