I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
