I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
