Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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