Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
