You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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