just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
he fucked my hip out of place.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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