i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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