The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
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New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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