Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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