This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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