i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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