I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
