it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
