why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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