So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
