Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
