i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
