my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
