the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
