Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
