You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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