I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
