Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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