Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
No more Irish car bombs ever.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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