Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
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In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
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When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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