Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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