babies were throwing up all over the place
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
