There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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