We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
