On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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