You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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