I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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