That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
