allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
