Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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