70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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