i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
