I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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