omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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