was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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