Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
