Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
