9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
