I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
