Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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