So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
