I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
