We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You left your phone here
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