I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
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i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
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He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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