I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
