you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You brought string cheese to the strip club
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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