I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
