my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
My bed smells like the plague
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
