If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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